the amos complex

2008-03-24T22:18:00.005-05:00

I'm just experimenting with uploading video. This is pretty crappy quality because I just used our digital camera, but we thought it was funny nonetheless. This was the first time Owen's hands have gone even remotely close to where his brain instructed them to go.

planet flat

2007-02-18T19:53:00.000-06:00

"Americans whining--that is something we haven't seen before..."

-Rajesh Rao (as quoted in The World Is Flat, Friedman.)

at some point, everyone must take on a task the no one else will touch. i have a fuzzy memory of my favorite babysitter cleaning up a...well, lets just call it a "mess" resulting from the ill-advised fusion of a beans and franks tv dinner and a four-year-old's stomach flu. and unfortunately, this guy was just not the domestic type. (incidentally, his senior year of high school he lead the nation in rushing with 2,600 yards , 100 yards better than some kid from florida named emmitt smith...but i digress). innocently attempting to make small talk as he scrubbed the carpet, i mumbled, "looks like peanuts." he politely warned in response, "they sure wouldn't taste like peanuts."

i remember once in high school watching jake, a guy i considered my nemesis, walk over and sit down with the ultimate outcast to share a lunchtime conversation. the guy was new to our tiny school and looked downright odd, covered with acne and scars, a do-it-yourself haircut and obvious hand-me-down clothes from late-1970s iowa farm country. i can't even remember the guy's name. tom, maybe? and i think he had some sort of disability, i don't know what. all i remember is that jake went over and sat right down with him, and not just that one day, but several times per week for the rest of the year. that image never left me, and my shame became especially acute when i heard the news of the outcast's untimely death a few years later.

the list could go on: jesus touching the leper, a friend reaching out in reconciliation after she has been wronged, or cleaning jared and jon's breese terrace cesspool of a bathroom. life teems with the undesirable.

at lincoln high school, teaching economics has been considered for years the ultimate punishment a social studies teacher could be asked to endure. history, government, social issues, geography, even psychology are all words, ideas, points of discussion and role plays. but economics? every stinking economics textbook is covered with demand curves and production possibilities frontiers! did the gods of the social studies forget the chief dictate of our discipline when they created economics? no numbers! complex ideas...fine. large vocabulary...great. just no numbers please. and if you must use numbers, they need to stay put. no adding or dividing, and never, ever make us use formulas. it's just not in our constitutions. ahh...now there's something i can teach about, the constitution, where the only numbers are the date and the outline numerals.

as you may have guessed by this point, i have been assigned economics. in a faustian bargain, i agreed to teach satan's discipline in return for a full time position at the high school, forever leaving behind the vagabound existance of a "travelling teacher." i am now in my second semester of graphs and charts, and despite the previous hyperbole, it's not actually that bad. nevermind the fact that i've never taken an econ class. no macro, no micro, no nothing. in fact, i'm not even totally clear as to the distinctions between macro and micro. the point here is, i'm surviving.

ok, actually, that is not true. in reality, i'm thriving. i really enjoy teaching something to others that i am currently learning myself. you simply cannot conjure up the genuine enthusiasm that comes from personal growth. i can't tell you how many times each week i catch myself saying to my students, "you know what i just learned about this?" or "i just read the coolest book on this..." from the populist prowress of, "the wisdom of crowds," to the street-level scholarship of, freakonomics, to the unstoppable globalization of, the world is flat, my horizons are continually expanding into the vast and pleasantly numberless world of economic thinking and reasoning. here are the most interesting additions to my neural networks:

1. economics-land does not resemble any kind of reality that i know. it is completely based on relatively unreasonable assumptions (insert "my-first-wife/husband" joke here). this is fun because students constant ask questions that are unanswerable because the struggle to follow the assumptive rules.

2. drug dealers live with their moms and abortion stops crime. and even though most of us would agree that these things simply are not true, it is fun to read how a harvard guy can use economic reasoning to prove that they are.

3. there are no unbiased econ texts written in capitalist countries. you should read the free market rhetoric presented as fact in our books. don't get me wrong, i like our system better than most others, but i also refuse to teach out of those textbooks. i spend so much of each class period saying, "now, the book calls this 'economics,' but what they mean is 'free-market' capitalism."

4. everyone always acts in self-interested and rational ways. (insert any joke you'd like here.)

5. the world is changing really really fast. not only are predatory capitalists preying on the naive like multi-billion dollar snake oil salesmen, but our co-workers and competitors are now as likely to be sitting 2 continents over as they are to be 2 cubicles over.

all this to say, don't be afraid to take on the jobs that no one else wants. doing so will allow you to become who you were truly meant to be. and always, always sit by the person sitting alone when you have the chance.

ok, ok.

2007-02-10T18:15:00.000-06:00

as promised, i am now blogging again. blog, blog, blog...yep. that's what i'm doing. i'm blogging. and it's great, let me tell you. the thing is, i'm not sure i have anything to say...

so, in the spirit of keeping it on the positive tip (thank you arsenio), let me start with some raves:

1. sufjan stevens: he basically rules the indiefolkpop universe. if the world has ever met a greater musical genius, well, it just hasn't. if you (who?) haven't discovered his spellbinding fusion of carnival instrumentation and elementary school choruses...well, you're just missing out.

2. nt wright: back in my fundamentalist days, i would have deemed bishop wright eternally tainted for even sitting next to those jesus seminar heretics. i'm glad i grew up. this brother has a gift for theology, especially tricky issues of christology. he refuses to stick with the pat answers, or to resort to baby-out-with-the-bathwater liberalism, instead charting a new course. his insistence that we understand jesus and his words in the 1st C. jewish context in which the originated brings a fresh new relevance to our time-honored understandings.

3. spring: i never used to long for spring, but a week of sub-zero, plus next week's predicted "warmup" of the teens just makes my want to cry. (stay positive, stay positive) but...i know that...uhh...well...oh, yeah, spring is only a couple months away! (does that count?)

4. city of god: i wish i could articulate why i loved this movie so much. the acting was terrific, and i think the writing was good, although it was clear that much was lost in translation. maybe you could watch it and then tell me what you thought about it and then i'll just repeat your ideas to others as my own. okay?

i have to go now. my wife is actually standing over me with her jacket on. that is a less-than-subtle hint. we are going to a benefit concert with local acoustic musicians, so that should be great.

i write again soon. i promise.

i think...

2007-01-07T21:23:00.000-06:00

...i'm going to start blogging again. i think major changes are coming our way, and i'll need a space to work through them. probably more hope and less "anger," which is a cool thought. does anyone else routinely look back at their lives and ask, "how have i been able to live with myself?"

word.

anger

2006-10-12T10:28:00.000-05:00

i am angry. angry enough to write for the first time in months. it's sort of funny actually, because i haven't been angry like this in a long time. maybe summer allows me to check out of reality long enough to calm down a bit, but once i start teaching...look out.

now, don't get me wrong. i'm not angry at my students or fellow teachers or administrators. i really like all of these folks quite a lot. sure, students can be frustrating when they make repeated poor choices, over and over and over. but this is a regular part of life, and we do what we can to help them, to show them a better way, to encourage them to live well. i'm not angry with them.

no, today i am angry, frustrated, disgusted with the powers that be. for example: last wednesday night i watched a bill moyers special on PBS about the abramoff scandal. now, abramoff is a died-in-the-wool bastard, and SOB, a piece of crap. but that's not my gripe. my gripe is with hypocrite numero uno: ralph reed. i remember going to see reed speak in college. i remember the hubub surrounding his visit, the protesters (in madison?), and the vigorous civil liberties debate before he even took the stage. then he spoke, and frankly, he was amazing. silver-tongued and impassioned, he cast a vision of a new america so ideal that i was ready to drop everything and work toward the creation of it. but somehow, somewhere he veered off course. his own personal correspondence with abramoff displays his greed, corruption, and contempt for the people he claims to lead. or, maybe he never was on course at all. maybe he's been playing evangelicals for years?

no, that couldn't happen. i mean, christians are good people who would never deceive other christians for personal or political gain. take our fine president...errr...maybe that's not such a great example. according to David Kuo in his new book, Tempting Faith, "the Bush White House is playing millions of American Christians for suckers."

i've been watching an amazing documentary today called, "Why We Fight," and honestly, you just need to see it, period. but it is fueling my anger, and it makes me just want to run very far away, to norway or new zealand or patagonia...but it's likely just a matter of time before that warmonger bombs the hell out of all those places too.

last night i saw another moyers report on pbs called, "is god green?" about christians and the environment. i just can't believe that dobson, robertson, falwell, etc. would sell out so easily. they are the false teachers! they are mouthpieces for their party who will stop at nothing, including hiring junk scientists to prove their point.

this morning i read a story about a journalist in Russia who has dedicated her life to exposing the russian atrocities committed in chechnya. last week she was found executed "KGB style" in her apartment.

oh, and tonight, i'm going to listen to a speaker at a local church who believes that all things "emergent" in the church are leading us all straight to hell. so that'll be good.

on second thought, i might be better off staying home and watching the office.

wonderful weekend

2006-08-02T08:57:00.000-05:00

i always struggle with going back to madison. all the great memories come rushing back and i find myself face-to-face with some of the best times of my life. i really love that place, and when i'm there and just can't escape the thought of, "why in the world did i ever move away from here?"

the last visit was no exception. first, the hospitality. one call to jon leads (him) to call chris & sara who then make arrangements with mary to make sure my wife and i have a great place to stay. how cool. thanks again to all of you! then we arrive at the pre-wedding party made up of a bunch of texans we really didn't know and abby. within minutes we felt at home, like we had all been friends for years. probably the only party i've been to where everyone there had at least a master's degree and most had phd's, and where the religious make-up was mostly left-leaning christians with a smattering of atheists.

the next morning i meet jon for a pancake breakfast and a couple hours of good conversation. he drops me off at the union where i spend the next couple hours reading on the terrace for my IB class. then i meet kara for lunch, and as we wander state st. looking for a good joint at which we can eat, we walk by some people setting up for a concert on the street...and it's marques! if you are not from the madison area, marques bovre is a local musician with a select, devoted following who has played fewer and fewer shows over the years. God really smiled on me at that moment. we hurriedly grabbed some fresh-mex and headed over to the show...over an hour of mostly new material with a new band. it was awesome.

after that, we went to maria and matt's wedding (the whole reason for our trip), which i can honestly say was one of the coolest (even though it was well over 90 degrees) weddings i have ever attended. held at a nature center just outside the city, it was a pretty casual affair with an incredibly inspiring cameo appearance by pastor rick, of past UCC/Hope Community fame. he spoke of simple living in the face of the demands and temptations of the culture, ultimately encouraging the couple and us all to live with "one handful and contentment." the food (all locally grown, in season, organic) and drink (spotted cow on tap!) were fantastic.

the lesson for me from this weekend was pretty simple: (as our pastor said on sunday morning) "life takes friends." i know, pretty earth shattering stuff...but it's true. life takes friends. it is fuller, richer, and more beautiful than life lived in isolation, or with mere acquaintences. the theme song for the golden girls is starting to play in my head...

genesis 4

2006-07-31T10:09:00.000-05:00

i guess i decided to just move on instead. so on we go to cain and abel...let the bloodshed begin.

first, i am struck by the understated introduction to the concept of sex, or at least, procreation. i mean, "adam knew his wife"...that's it? an act that has led to the rise and fall of millions of families, not to mention empires, and the only real introduction we get is the word, "knew." i really have to wonder how they figured it out for the first time, and how they got any farming done after they figured it out. but i digress...

i also found the naming interesting. again, the names hold rich symbolic meaning. "cain," is basically an exclamation from eve loosely translated, "woohoo! i got one!" but abel, the second born, is best translated, "vanity," or as i read it, "extra one." (someone please correct me if i've taken too much liberty here.) if they really were twins, "extra one" sort of makes sense, but then why does the extra one end up being the righteous one, and the prized firstborn, cast out of the land that the family had ended up in after they had already been cast out of paradise.

another interesting name here is "nod," the land to which cain wanders and begins his family. nod translates "shaking" or "trembling." what a great word picture of this wilderness, increasingly further east of eden. this land, by the end of the chapter, becomes a hotbed of wickedness and more and more of God's precepts are neglected and/or violated. while the earlier act of cain murdering abel is the most memorable event of the chapter, it seems clear to me that it is really only one piece of the larger theme here of increasing wickedness, specifically, that sin begets more sin, leading up to men like lamech who mock god and laugh at their violence.

so eve's naivete coupled with her ambition and adam's willingness to collaborate, lead to their son's apathy and laziness, which ultimately leads to the first recorded conflict between good and evil in humanity: brother killing brother. mankind then continues to bow to its own will, introducing polygamy, and increased violence with a boastful spirit.

but then, in a typical biblical redemption act, at the height of violence of and godlessness, God steps in and gives eve a new day. a child named seth, whose birth indicates, rather cryptically, a renewal of humanity through people beginning to again call on the Lord. this is the beginning of a cycle that will echo into the next several thousand years.

genesis 3

2006-07-26T08:38:00.000-05:00

i think i have been dreading dealing with this chapter from the day i got the idea to do this. one could probably spend a great deal of time studying the events/ideas of genesis 3 and not make a whole lot of progress. as i have thus far, i will just focus on a few aspects, this time, mostly questions.

first, the exchange between eve and the serpent really resembles a fable called, "why the snake slithers" or "why girls are scared of snakes" (girls, as well as myself). so who is this snake? and what was its means of self-transport before being cursed to slither (btw, "cursed to slither" would be a great name for an 80s hair metal album). and more importantly, where did the idea come from that the snake was really satan? i had not previously realized that there is no mention of satan in the text. matt f, in your extensive hell & satan studies, what do you make of the snake taking on the identity of satan? i realize that it is a pretty clear symbol, but i am just trying to let the text speak for itself. am i missing something here?

the next item of puzzlement for me relates to the trees. from the words of eve and, later, God's rebuke, the prohibition on eating the fruit seems pretty clear. what i don't really understand though, is what those two trees symbolize. for instance, the tree of knowledge of good and evil seemed to provide a sort of moral awakening to adam and eve, but only in the sense of, "oh crap, we're naked." and "oh crap, we shouldn't have eaten that." i guess it seems that the trade-off: knowing good from evil (when by most accounts you probably aren't even capable of conceiving an evil thought yet) versus death, or at least becoming mortal...well, it's a pretty bad deal that's all. now, that representation of sin makes a lot of sense to me. a compelling allure leading to a major letdown.
but what about the other tree? in verse 22, God tells the rest of Himself that now the risk of man eating of the tree of life (and thereby living eternally) is just too real, and they must be banished from the garden, and the gates must be guarded to prevent re-entry. why? i mean the preceding verses are this beautiful picture of God picking up and cleaning off the desheveled sinners...He even makes some clothes for them. i can't help seeing a loving father comforting his crying children who got hurt doing something they were explicitly warned not to do. but why not just let them eat of the tree of life? wouldn't that make everything right? why go through thousands of years of struggle leading to a coming savior who offers the same thing one little pomegranite could have provided back in the garden?

i love/fear this chapter, so i think i'll come back to this tomorrow. please share your thoughts.

Genesis 2

2006-07-20T08:38:00.000-05:00

like many others, i'm sure, i have often had trouble understanding why chapter divisions have been created where they have in certain spots in the bible. the genesis 1 to genesis 2 transition is one of those places. why lay out this elaborate and very orderly story of the days of creation and then break the chapter between day 6 and day 7. doesn't it seem logical to put all the days in one chapter and then start with the creation of man story? eugene peterson makes sense of this in "the message" when he uses this language:

"1 Heaven and Earth were finished, down to the last detail. 2 By the seventh day God had finished his work. On the seventh day he rested from all his work. 3 God blessed the seventh day. He made it a Holy Day Because on that day he rested from his work, all the creating God had done. "

peterson sees this seventh day as wholly (holy?) separate from the flurry of activity in the previous six. he paints the picture of a pleased and satisfied God looking over all the wonders he has now completed. (as an aside, i love the use of the word "host" here, seemingly indicating this inumerable array of birds and mammals and plants and fish and mountains and streams, etc.) i guess this transition is sort of like when i begin teaching my class with, "ok, so remember that yesterday we talked about..." in other words, if we see that chapter 1 was all about, "here's what God did, and it was good," then the intro to chapter 2 maybe a summary of that idea.

so moving on past the transition, we come to the creation of man. while this may be seen as the crown jewel of God's work, let us not neglect the contrast of the average man with, say, the average national park (see previous post). but obviously there is something special about being created "in the image of God." i do, however, think that this passage highlights God, and not man, once again as we see certainly one of the most miraculous acts in all the scriptures, the ultra-complex human body formed from a handful of dirt. not too shabby. many scholars believe that this is meant to be a deliberate reminder of where we came from and where we would be (or not be) without the Creator.

jared raised the question of naming in response to my last post and i have just a couple thoughts on that at this point, as God now gives the duty of naming his "host" over to the breathing dirt-man. the obvious answer to why there is so much naming going on is the dominion approach. if you name something, that sure indicates some sort of control or responsibility over/for that thing, right? and here it seems that God is handing over that responsibility at least in part to his newly appointed governor of the garden. however, there also seems to be a recognizable "fable motif" here. this, again, is a major source of contraversy among genesis scholars. my likely naive and certainly underinformed observation is this: there is a certain, "how the leopard got his spots," to much of these first few chapters of genesis. by this i mean that modern naturally observable phenomena are explained with a tale of ancient divine/natural interaction. now, the message that God made it all, and it is all good stays perfectly intact, while some of our certainty of the more specific details may take something of a hit. thoughts?

finally, the whole woman thing. i think that for too long i have read this as God trying and trying and trying to find a suitable helper for adam, with no success, and then finally digging deep into his bag of tricks, he pulls out the trump card and trump cards, a naked woman. more likley...ok...pretty much certainly, God knew all along what he would do, and he was sort of setting adam up for the grand finale. being married has actually helped me understand this idea more fully, as i am a big believer in the idea the God is the full and perfect representation of all things male and female. in other words, God is not a "man" perse, but a complete holy being. if God were "strong" without being "tender," would God not crush us all within moments of creating us? maybe not, but does this make sense? i have discussed/debated with some folks recently who see this creation order as essential to understanding properly the role of women in the church and in marriage (and i suspect to some degree, they would argue in society in general). in other words, man came first, woman is therefore a limited and subjected "piece" of man. a fundamentalist reading could indeed take you down this road, but a big-picture, in-context reading seems less likely to do so.

this is long enough, although i never even got to comment on the possible discrepancy between the genesis 1 account of the creation of humans and that found in genesis 2. okay, it's not that compelling of a debate, but if anyone feels the urge to comment, please do.

why i love montana

2006-07-19T08:54:00.000-05:00

we just got back from the greatest vacation ever. and while those of you who know me realize that i am prone to superlatives more than any other person in the entire universe, this time i mean it. the best vacation ever.

here are a few reasons why:

the fishing was unbelievable. i caught 20"+ rainbow trout every night.

it was fun for the whole family.

the hiking was amazing. we were constantly in awe of God's creation.

it was restful. this was one of the major agenda items. (the amount of pasty leg shown may be a violation of the terms of service agreement...my bad)

the funny thing is, every time we go away on one of our alpine adventures, the talk immediately turns to the "what-will-it-take-to-move-here" conversation. we actually mapped out a 12 year plan that would put us in either bigfork, missoula, or bozeman where kara would teach and i would be a fly-fishing guide and we would live in a simple condo/townhouse and go hiking every weekend and make fresh huckleberry jam every july and narrowly avoid being mauled by a 1000 lb bruin and...well, i think you get the picture.

quien sabes? maybe someday. but for now, the occasional tourist trek will have satisfy the craving.

tomorrow i'll get back to that genesis stuff.

Genesis 1

2006-07-04T09:33:00.000-05:00

as i begin my genesis study, i realize that different translations evoke different images of how the greatest public works project in history played out. i started with my niv, with which i am most familiar. then, i moved to what i thought would paint the most beautiful portrait of the process, peterson's "message." interestingly, that was not the case. instead, i found the greatest beauty in a version with which i had very little experience, "The Literal Translation of the Holy Bible" (LITV). my hunch is that this is pretty much a word for word translation from the original with little concern for literary devices or readability. regardless, it was the first time i had ever read genesis 1 as poetry. in this translation, the creative work of God should be sung, not read. i actually found myself sort of swaying as i read it...and i am not the dancing type, folks.

i would think entire academic careers could be spent on these 28 verses. i spent about 3 days on them. neverless at this moment in my life, a few elements jumped of the page at me:

1. the centrality, completeness, and goodness of God. i mean, every line begins with God. his actions and words are the only things that matter. every single element of creation and life is a consequence of his providence. once in my life i was taught to "share my faith," beginning with the idea that God has a wonderful plan for my life but i screwed it all up. i think that is a pretty individualistic, westernized starting point. how about: nothing was until God made it...nothing. and without his continued sustenance, nothing could remain...nothing. and EVERYTHING he created he called good.

2. i also love the imagery of the phrase, "teeming with life," used to describe the earth (specifically the seas) after God began his artistry. he is pro-life indeed. i smiled as i read (in older translations) about "creeping things that creepeth," and waters "swarm(ing) with swarms of living souls." i mean, seriously, how cool is that?

3. "So that we see it is the only the power of God’s word that makes the earth fruitful, which naturally is barren." (1599 Geneva Study Bible)
this scholar is commenting on God's decision to bring about the green plants. thankfully, he avoids commenting on the disturbing idea that God's intent was for man and beast to be vegetarian. i explain that away by running my tongue over my incisors a few times, which usually does the trick. i also picked up on a weird little debate here, as some believe that the first plants grew from natural processes, while others hold that they could only have emerged from the soil as the result of a divine and miraculous act. i think "miracle" is defined as something which defies that laws of nature, and since God was still writing nature's constitution at this point, i think i'll take a pass on entering into this one.

but what about the 6-days versus 6-time periods and dirt versus evolution? i have no clue. i really don't care too much anymore. i can rest in the peace that i know God made all that is, including me, and that although we've made a big mess of much of it, it is still his and still wonderful. and, as hard as it is for me to accept much of the time, i, as his creation, must be wonderful too. boy, i had trouble even pressing those keys. but think about it, if our story is one of redemption in Christ, then doesn't make sense that we deeply understand and embrace the inherent goodness in all things touched by the Creator?

God made it all, and when he was finished he looked and saw that it was good.

questions in genesis

2006-07-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

i want to try to do a series of posts on a topic that is deeply important to me, God's creation. i'll try to avoid my typical environmentalist drivel, focusing instead on the genesis account of creation, the fall, and all kinds of other crazy stuff in genesis. i'm not trying to write a mini-commentary or anything. i just want to get some of my thoughts/questions on the book down in this forum and invite to respond anyone who wishes.

i guess my inspiration for this is the struggle and condemnation i've experienced in the last few years regarding how this whole magnificent place came into being. i had been steeped in the rhetoric of the more fundamentalist (6-day, young earth, etc.) folks on the issue throughout most of my early years as a follower of Christ, but i guess i can't say that i ever really believed their theories completely. well, that's putting it too kindly. i actually felt like many of the arguments were just made up in attempt to defend "ourselves" from the mean, pagan darwinists. but i tried...i really tried, to buy into that belief system. but, then i started spending time in creation...i mean, really spending time out there, and my feeble belief in the young earth and 6-day creation just sort of melted away, replaced by a deep and lasting peace that no one but the lord could have created this magnificent place, and that he created it however he wanted to create it.

these ideas, however, led to responses like this:

When Christians have agreed with the world that they can accept man’s fallible dating methods to interpret God’s Word, they have agreed with the world that the Bible can’t be trusted. They have essentially sent out the message that man, by himself, independent of revelation, can determine truth and impose this on God’s Word. Once this ‘door’ has been opened regarding Genesis, ultimately it can happen with the rest of the Bible. (from Answers in Genesis)

so, i would read and study and try to find answers to these questions, only to be met with:

It’s also interesting to note that this verse is found in the same passage where Paul warns that ‘knowledge puffeth up.’ Academic pride is found throughout our culture. Therefore, many Christian leaders would rather believe the world’s fallible academics, than the simple clear words of the Bible. (from Answers in Genesis)

now, if i were to focus my genesis inquiry only on creation stuff, i would run out of material after about 3 chapters. the real nature of my search is: "what is the nature and purpose of genesis?" i am completely open to the idea that every word in the book must be taken literally (a term that needs some unpacking), but i think that even the most superficial survey of the book renders that idea laughable in places, disheartening in others, and just plain perplexing in many others.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that it seems to me that genesis is a collection of oral tradition (history, folklore, etc.) from a certain time (several thousand years ago) and a certain place (mesopotamia) with the purpose of revealing to us the central character of the universe, his dominion over the universe, and his relationship(s) with his creation...primarily mankind. the (s)election of the hebrews is here as well, which i hope to understand better as i go along.

so, i've already likely made myself a candidate for excommunication from hundreds of faith traditions, but i guess i just don't care anymore. if i can't be honest, sincere, authentic...well, then i can't "be". and if i can't be, then what's the point of anything really?

i learn when my current notions on a given topic are challenged and then either strengthened or replaced. if you are reading this and have thoughts/reactions/corrections to any of my ramblings, it would be invaluable to me if you would share them.

...and the livin is easy

2006-06-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

when i was a kid, my grandpa had a boat, which he named "easy livin'." now, i don't really understand why you have to name your boat, but that is neither here nor there. the fact is, that title would prove to be prophetic in my adult life.

you see, it is now summer, and for those of you who know me and my occupation, you realize that summer is a very good thing in the life of a teacher. now, don't get me wrong, i love teaching. i love the students, i love the content, and i love my colleagues. but as much as i love those things, the last three weeks of my life are pretty difficult to beat:

1. right after school got out, we had a great visit with some old friends from madison who moved to virginia several years ago. (see: emending my mind) for more info on these fine folks. we did a lot of talking, hanging out with their 2.5 year old, walking to the lighthouse, and making s'mores in the backyard. it was great to see them.

2. the next day, i took kara to the amtrak station for her annual pilgrimage to the land of all things big and tacky, texas. while she was gone, my good friend heath and i set off for a backpacking adventure on the superior hiking trail which follows lake superior roughly from duluth to thunder bay, ontario. we didn't go that far. it was amazingly beautiful, and really flippin challenging. we made some great memories though, and that made it worth the pain. oh, and we almost killed willy (my 2-yr-old chocolate lab) on the trip, but he still looked really cool in his doggy backpack.

3. then after a few aimless days as a bachelor, i picked kara up and we got ready for our next trek. some wilderness canoe camping with the jeskes. they should really have a blog so i can turn their name into a link as well. we spent three days in the beautiful sylvania wilderness area in the UP. it's like a mini boundary waters. the weather was perfect, the fishing outstanding, and the fellowship memorable. also memorable was my first official tipping of my canoe. i lost lots of my fishing gear and stayed wet for the remainder of the trip, but all in all, it was pretty funny.

4. currently we are wrapping up a week of no plans. we get up each morning, drink coffee and read, pray, etc. then we work on our little house projects (we have now totally redone the backyard, complete with some urban garden action, and we are in the middle of finishing our basement, which will be a really cool room.), after which i head to the Y to work out, we eat dinner, go for a walk, play scrabble, watch season 5 of the west wing, eat strawberry crisp (from berries we picked the other day), and then fall asleep on the couch and chair, respectively.

5. after the 4th, we will head to the flathead valley of montana for a week of cabin living, including fly fishing, swimming, hiking in glacier np, and just general laziness.

so, yes, i do love my job...but i really really love summer. easy livin' is tough to beat.

redemption

2006-05-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

i love movies, books, songs, etc. with themes of redemption. i think in the world of tracts and sinners' prayers, the depth and process of redemption is often overlooked. Christ never offers a get-rich-quick scam, but instead a total revolution of our being, and others' beings, and the whole world around us. every time i get discouraged by degradation in our world, human, evironmental, economic, i just can't help thinking about God's plan to make all things new. how cool is that?

redemption is why i love the vigilates of love, as the theme seems to saturate every song...no, every chord. it's why i love "the apostle," where raw honesty and authenticity with God brought about healing in a very broken character. it's why i love this random book called, "Buffalo for the Broken Heart," by Dan O'Brien about the redemption of an exhausted cattle ranch by returning the native bison to it. and after much arm-twisting, it's one of the reasons why i love "napoleon dynamite," even though i think they could have nailed it with a fantastic pedro speech at the end, the substitutionary atonement provided by napoleon's dance proved effective. oh, and don't forget every wes anderson movie ever made.

the funny thing is, this was intended to be a movie recommendation, but i still haven't mentioned the movie. "everything is illuminated," with elijah wood is one of my new favorite films. it provides one of the rare movie moments that literally took my breath away. talk about redemption. i obviously don't want to ruin the movie, so i'll let you find out for yourself. let me know what you think.

a rant for jared

2006-04-05T13:46:00.000-05:00

it's been a while since i've had a good rant, but i think i will just let this one speak for itself. an author, while researching different forms of bias in america, spent an afternoon in several christian bookstores. here is a sampling of the titles he found there:

Same-Sex Marriage: Putting Every Household at Risk

The Homosexual Agenda: Exposing the Principal Threat to Religious Freedom Today

The Gay Agenda: It’s Dividing the Family, the Church and a Nation

Outrage: How Gay Activists and Liberal Judges Are Trashing Democracy to Redefine Marriage

The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought

Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America’s Youth

Persecution: How Liberals Are Waging War Against Christianity

Liberals Are Killing America: How Their Loss of Courage, Lack of Leadership, and Constant Deceit Are Destroying Americans

Hour of the Witch: Harry Potter, Wicca Witchcraft, and the Bible

Unholy Alliance: Radical Islam and the American Left

The Many Faces of John Kerry: Why This Massachusetts Liberal Is Wrong for America

Liberwocky: What Liberals Say and What They Really Mean

Let Freedom Ring: Winning the War of Liberty Over Liberalism by Sean Hannity

The Second Amendment: Preserving the Inalienable Right of Individual Self-Protection

The Enemy Within: Saving America from the Liberal Assault on Our Churches, Schools, and Military by Michael Savage

Shut Up and Sing: How Elites from Hollywood, Politics, and the UN Are Subverting America

The Dark Side of Liberalism: Unchaining the Truth

The Myth of Separation Between Church and State

Moses Was a Right-Wing Conservative

Hell to Pay: The Unfolding Story of Hillary Rodham Clinton

The Death of Outrage: Bill Clinton and the Assault on American Ideals

How the Clinton Clergy Corrupted a President

The ACLU Vs. America: Exposing the Agenda to Redefine Moral Values

How to Survive the Lions’ Den of the Liberal Media

Painting the Map Red

Big Sister is Watching You: Hillary Clinton and the White House Feminists Who Now Control America And Tell the President What To Do

I'm not sure which one is my favorite, but, "If It’s Not Close, They Can’t Cheat: Crushing the Democrats in Every Election and Why Your Life Depends on It" is definitely up there. jared, i don't mean to hound you, but if you are ever going to make good on your promise to urinate on a display at a christian bookstore, i'm not sure how much more inspiration you need. read the whole article here.

why do we do this? do we really feel that strongly about these issues? do we really identify them as central to the cause of Christ? i sure hope not.

we were reading from Luke last night about the signs of the end of the age, and while much of it left us scratching our heads, my lovely wife stumbled upon the following nugget regarding how we are to ready ourselves for His next arrival:

"Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap."
Luke 21:34

we had never before taken the time to figure about what the heck "dissipation" meant. Dictionary.com tells it can mean: wasteful expenditure or consumption; amusement; a diversion. we all found this to hit a little too close to home, in a personal and national sense. we are a people of distraction (see Huxley's Brave New World) on the lookout for something to help us avoid the sometimes harsh realities of life, and certainly to occupy our time in such a way that we need not feel the twinge, no, the sting, of our apathy toward our fellow human.

but now, i'm wondering if that dang ol' christian bookstore doesn't serve the same purpose? i mean, is it possible we are just distracting ourselves from real kingdom work with political soapbox (and cracker jack) writing or an endless parade of self-help titles we consume in the name of sanctification. i wonder if this is every man's battle, or just a condition of this present darkness. i mean, will i be left behind if i don't use the prayer of jabez to jumpstart my purpose driven life? all i want is to be so wild at heart that i am ready to make a case for christ, and a case for a creator for that matter. i just want a cure for the common life...

do you mind...

2006-03-29T18:04:00.000-06:00

...if i skip the apologies and explanations as to why i have not written since the nixon era? i really have not had much to say, if you can believe that. (by the way, i just found this post on rahabs & gomers that made me wet myself...again. funnier for men, enjoyable for all not easily offended or disgusted...it's titled, "sewer rats...")

i have been thinking a lot about conflict lately. the main question that comes to my mind is, "how much is too much?" i mean, i think most of us would agree that growth is almost impossible without some amount of conflict, especially the communal type growth that jon has been discussing. conflict can bring us to a crisis point where we are forced to identify and often articulate what we believe. i think that is a good thing.

what about persistent, less-than-productive conflict? what about people on opposite sides of a debate who are not open to change, but who continue to debate/discuss anyway? isn't there a point where we just need to let it go? that is not really rhetorical...i really want to know.

this question comes at an interesting point in the school year for me, as we are working our way through the civil rights movement of the 1950s/60s. this was an era in which a committed core of political leaders actually saw the benefit (whatever they deemed that benefit to be...cold war image, new democratic voters, etc.) of aligning themselves with a massive, growing-daily, grassroots movement. how rare an alliance this has proved to be!

college students and preachers, schoolchildren and grandparents, rich and poor, engaged in conflict with the ruling authorities not because they wanted to stir up trouble, but because they knew their cause was just. they were not rowdy anarchists, but rather citizens unwaveringly committed to the rule of law and the democracy it makes possible. and when the conflict became overwhelming? when they ended up bloodied, or worse? they just kept going.

they never said, "well, as much as i personally would enjoy full rights and integration into american life, i see the point of Gov. Wallace and the segregationists too...we do tend to be a threat to the good southern way of life." i guess what i am seeing is that they never hedged their bets. they knew their cause, they knew it was just, and they refused to stop working, sweating, fighting and dying until they ushered in justice.

mlk described those who refused to give up as having, "the noble sense of purpose that enables them to face jeering and hostile mobs, and with the agonizing loneliness that characterizes the life of the pioneer." (please read "letter from birmingham city jail" in its entirety sometime soon) see, now that makes sense to me. that brings so much of my own life into perspective. i have so rarely felt that pioneer's "agonizing loneliness," because i stick with the crowd, one foot in, one foot out, doing the ideological hokey-pokey in order to avoid opposition...conflict.

well, i have a dream today, too. my dream is that i will learn to stand firm in those convictions that i know are just, and that i will not be satisfied until i have done all i can do to bring truth, love, justice, and grace to my world.

smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh noooo....

2006-03-01T11:26:00.000-06:00

ok, so this might not be the greatest song lyric of all time, but listening to new edition spin-off bell biv devoe just takes me to that special place.

i would like to invite you (anyone who may actually still read this from time to time) to share you favorite song lyrics with us. sometimes these lines just cut you, right to the bone. sometimes they are hilarious. sometimes they bring tears to your eyes. whatever the case, i would love it if you shared them.

here's the line that i heard recently that inspired this post:

“I spend my nights in the reservoir, saying prayers for the passing cars…”
--Johnathon Rice, "Break So Easily"

buy me

2006-02-23T13:51:00.000-06:00

today i am wrapping up our unit on postwar america. it is a bittersweet collection of lessons centered on amusing clips from i love lucy and the flintstones smoking winston cigarettes to some disturbing policy and cultural shifts toward the rampant consumerism that entangles us today.

students are shocked as we look at the very public "national defense" rationale for building multi-billion dollar Interstate Highway system in contrast with the very private push from the auto industry to build more, bigger, and faster roads. the idea of public transit was denounced as a communist plot, while private automobile ownership esteemed as the highest american ideal.

we examine together the devastating effect that the growth of the government sponsored suburbs has had on the "inner" city. we question the GI Bill and FHA as we see how they served as the single largest de facto subsidy for segregation in american history.

we lament the creation of the worlds largest and most powerful army of the poor. a force dedicated to the protection of ideals often enjoyed only by the elite, an elite that will never be asked to sacrifice one thing in order to improve the condition of the widows and orphans of those soldiers.

we are startled at the slim, healthy young men and women in the Lincoln High yearbooks from the 1950s, an era of industriousness...and home-cooked meals. we laugh at the goofy haircuts and glasses. we yearn for the lack of teen violence, the high levels of student involvement, the rigorous academic standards (ok, well some of us yearn for higher standards).

we challenge one another's assumptions about "the woman's place" in society, the reasons behind demographic and socioeconomic change in our community, the effect our tv's have had on us.

and we look ahead, asking, "who are we as a generation?" and "for what will we be remembered?"

the postwar unit is bittersweet because it dangles before us a simpler time, just out of our reach. it reveals to us how we, as a people, got what we asked for, and how we might like to reconsider our request. it forces us to evaluate our desires, and consider our willingness to change, to be the change.

in the end, we see that we always, always, always have choices to make. and those choices create our daily reality. and we have to live with it.

snow day!

2006-02-16T10:26:00.000-06:00

sweet serendipity...we get the day off today!

i'm not sure what my favorite part of all this bedlam really is. i definitely love all the weather hyperbole being flung from my tv. in their desperate attempts to attract viewers, we have moved from snow showers to winter storms to major winter weather events to (my personal favorite) winter storm "christine."

or maybe it was when i got up at a quarter after 5 this morning to watch the roll being called of all the educational institutions who jumped at the opportunity to officially sanction a district-wide hookey event.

no, i think it was the pancakes. and the good (not gas station) coffee in my lazy-boy, chatting with my wife about nothing in particular as the Blizzard 2006 media frenzy cackled in the background. the confused look (more than usual anyway) on my dog's face as we stayed in bed waaaay after the alarms went off. the pedestrian commute to my classroom (i can't stay away) at 10am through knee-high snow drifts, knowing i'm only going to stay for a couple hours.

life is good, and it is greatly enhanced by unexpected snow days.

for the youth pastors...

2006-02-09T11:26:00.000-06:00

i have repeatedly wet myself watching this...now you can too! i feel for the guy. it reminds me of the time i was talking about social conflicts with my sophomores and i (thought) i wrote "sexual orientation" on the board, but when all the asian students in the room started giggling, i turned around and found that i had written "sexual oriental".

cory

search engine

2006-02-08T21:53:00.000-06:00

i lead a small group of high school chaps at my church. lead them in what, you ask? i'm not always sure. i thought it was a Bible study, but we don't always open the Bible. i wondered if maybe it was a discipleship group, but i really had no idea what that meant. i guess i settled on the fact that it is a really cool hang out time with a really cool collection of young men.

we talk about our lives. the good stuff and the terrible stuff and everything in between. when i want to get something "done," they seem to only want to talk about football and girls...which is not really a shock to me or anything. i often wonder if these guys know much about the Bible, or who God really is. i don't know if they consciously walk with God on a semi-daily basis, and i don't know if they pray (othen then right before a big test) on their own.

at this point, you are likely thinking..."this guy is probably the worst small group leader of all time," and you might be right. however, here's what i do know: these guys want to know God, to follow God, to rely on God, and to glorify God. they don't have the churchy lingo down yet (praise the lord), but this desire oozes from almost everyone word they utter. they want to do what is right, not just in their parents' or teachers' eyes, but in the biggest, truest, most universal sense possible. they want to live in tune with the ultimate reality.

to all the naysayers of so-called, "postmodern" youth ministry, i invite you to sit in on our group anytime. tell me that they need more rules...tell me that they aren't getting it...that they are moral relativists, that their world only revolves around them...that they have no sense of sin or God's judgment. these dudes certainly have lots to learn, and they will learn in time...through conversation, experience, and actually encounters with the maker of all that is, seen and unseen.

last week, we read psalm 139 together and talked about what it means to be known...and to be known by God. their questions and insights would have blown your mind. at the end, we decided that we were going to pray the last two verses of the psalm (see below) all week long, and see what God has in store for us. i would be lying to you if i said that we came back this week and they were all changed men, all headed for wheaton and moody on the seminary fast track. i would be lying to you if i said that most of them even remembered to do it more than a day or two. but two things were pretty cool about the experience. first, the one guy whose spiritual condition i understand the least was the one who actually followed through more than anyone else, and he shared that he was feeling a sort of crisis about his future, namely that he was having trouble finding any deep driving force behind choosing classes, getting good grades, and following the road map for worldly success. now, i definitely encouraged the lad to work hard in school and plan for the future, but his first pangs or realizing the meaninglessness of this present age were really exciting to me.

the second cool thing was that i only had to pray that prayer one time and God brought my world tumbling down on top of me. he found some offensive ways in me alright and he is leading me in a whole new way everlasting. i will write more on this later, as i am feeling unable to to capture it with words at the moment.

i really feel like i am emerging from one of those dark nights of the soul that you only think you'll read about and never experience.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

- Psalm 139:23-24

the sun

2006-01-26T10:34:00.000-06:00

does anyone read this, or know anything about this magazine? i just signed up for a free copy because i was struck by the vision and the theme...hope amidst the wreckage. any thoughts/comments on "the sun" would be appreciated...

emerging from the cave

2006-01-25T11:05:00.000-06:00

if you know me, you know i speak in constant superlatives. "the best movie in human history..." or "the absolute worst piece of pizza i have ever encountered in the free world..." you get the point. well, in the spirit of this fine tradition, let me just say that i may have recently emerged from one of the darkest periods of my entire human life on earth in 29 years of life...

i think i'll forego the details in favor of the insights...

the last several months of my life have been characterized by an intense degree of discontent (see every other posting by this author). basically, any city would be better than this, any job better than mine, any church better than ours. i have not been able to pinpoint the source of this flood of pessimism, nor had i been able to stop its flow. i've had my share of patient listeners, as well as impatient friends of job. i've seen my leadership gifts withering on the vine, my relationships straining and breaking, and my time wasted. i've watched my hope, even my eternal hope, fade, my certainties crumble, and my passions grow cold. i've stopped loving, caring, and serving, those actions replaced by self-obsession and envy. my laptop has too few keys and buttons for me to fully express all that has happened, but it has culminated with the nastiest (althought thankfully short-lived) illness i have experienced in my usually healthy life.

if i could point to an serendipitous event, a desperately uttered prayer, or even a wise words from a friend, i could probably write a best-selling christian self-help book called, "praying your way to daily happiness" or "control: how you can make god do want you want him to" and going on a speaking tour and get pa-id.

but i can't. all i know is that today i feel better. healthy. content. hopeful. faithful. today i desire more than anything to stop thinking about me and my happiness and starting giving me and my gifts away. (if there be any takers!)

i know that people are in need all around me, and as rob bell would say, that is just unacceptable.

i know that real life is life together, like bonhoeffer writes.

i know that my church is the center point of my social and spiritual existance, so the decision of where to join is not one to be taken lightly, and is certainly not to based on the style of worship, number of programs or members, or the "color of the carpet" issues that often drive our decisions.

i know that i have hope in Christ and Christ alone. no pastor. no friends. no books. no theologians.

i know that peace in our hearts, relationships, and even international realtions is really difficult, but ultimately possible.

i know that life IS NOT about buying stuff, being comfortable, or getting ahead.

...and i know when it's time to end a blog entry.

untitled

2006-01-08T21:56:00.000-06:00

i'm (typically) riddled with discontentment and dissatisfaction. maybe it's the continued lack of sunshine, or maybe just lack of sleep. actually, i think i'm tired of this life...comfortable and "free" as it is. i sort of wish my house would burn down or my identity would be stolen or i would get fired from my job or something that would jolt me out of this stuck-ness. i think i will move to a 3rd world country. that's the ultimate way to serve right? or the inner city? actually, i really just want to take my wife and my dog, sell everything and move to missoula or portland or bend or lander...no asheville...yeah, that's it...asheville. we would start a church, but you won't know its a church, so authentic, broken people will actually want to go there. and we will all just hang out and eat together and play a lot of scrabble. then someone will break out a guitar, you know, like the hippies do when they are camping out alberta, chaining themselves to trees. and we'll sing old, old hymns. you know, the ones that leave a little dusty taste in your mouth when you sing them. we'll forget half the words, but learn them over time, and one day they will sound almost as beautiful as the first time we sang them when we didn't care what we sounded like. then somebody will ask a question God, and we will all get real excited at the thought of it all...the question, the questioner, and God. then we will bust open our good books and pour over them, looking for answers, and more questions, and everything we can possibly find out about Jesus. and when we find something particularly compelling, we will drop everything and just live it out. you know why? because we will have checked our petty agendas at the door. if we find that the answers are not what we hoped they would be, we won't worry, because we will have faith in God. and if someone new comes in and wants to set up a committee to make sure all the work gets done, we will have mercy on him and he will merely find himself at the bottom of a group pile-on, and probably, in all the exhuberance, someone will leave him with a wedgie, and he will learn never to suggest that again. then we will go to sleep so we can get up early the next morning and hike up to a secret little swimming hole that we are convinced God poured there just for us. yeah, i think that sounds nice.

i think crisis is defined as something like a turning point moment. if that is the case, then i must be doing laps around the block...or maybe doughnuts in the parking lot. you know, lots of wasted fuel, but no actual progress. i am sick and tired of never knowing what is true, authentic. we just got back from something called "districts," which is a huge gathering of a couple thousand evangelical youth group kids. i've been to these types of rallies in the past, but never in a behind the scenes role (we were part of the security force). i don't have the energy to analyze every little aspect of it, but i will say that it is amazing how formulaic it all is. i mean, it was exactly like all the other ones i've been to in my life. there was this one point when the keynote was saying how he had a really hard time deciding at which point in the weekend he was going to "share the gospel," and i was like, "ok, dude, you may have thought it over, but you certainly settled on the same point as every other retreat speaker in evangelical history, the 'power night.'" then the kids make their decisions, stand up, and get ushered to the counseling area to have it all explained to them.

without a doubt, this was a crisis moment for these kids. they were faced with a point of decision, and they said, "i want in." and so we welcome them in, and now they are fully accepted members of the group, unless they are too weird, or too ugly, or they smell too bad. no, then they will remain on the margins of all the most Christ-centered youth groups. and what will happen when they go back to school? Lord God, please please please stick with these kids and don't let them be forgotten and tossed aside. don't let them cling to this moment, this experience, this elation and fleeting applause by a crowd of strangers. no Lord, let them cling to you and you alone...and please give them the deepest peace that even though life here will never be perfect, you will love them perfectly and eternally.

rejuvenation

2006-01-05T10:17:00.000-06:00

vacation is so good. as much as i love my job, i really love all the time off we are awarded as teachers. there is no shortage of ideas in my head as to how to use all this time.

for instance, i took a day and caught up on some backlogged reading at a really good coffeehouse about a half hour away. the combination of caffeine and fresh, stimulating ideas (i read adbusters' year in review cover to cover, some of brian mclaren's generous orthodoxy...which is so far incredibly boring and frustrating to me...and some stuff on WWII.) served as a sort of idea lubricant (ok, maybe more like an idea laxative, as i was pretty backed up). regardless of the metaphor, i felt like my soul just opened up and began to flow onto the pages of my journal. i probably sat there for 5 hours, and could have stayed for 5 more had it not been for kara's cooking beckoning me home. many of the ideas were simply more ideas to investigate, books to read, questions to ask people, etc., while others were specific action points that i wanted to take in my life, like making a list of songs that i would learn to play and sing well, instead of just fiddling around with my guitar every once and a while. or getting rid of my tv, which my sports and movie watching habit make pretty difficult. i have made real progress in that area though.

i wrote down other do-this-less and do-this-more ideas, but oddly enough, one of my bulleted ideas was not an idea at all, but rather an observation. i spent a few minutes writing down everything everyone else in the coffeehouse was doing and talking about. this was a cinch, as i am a avid people watcher and a presidential caliber eavesdropper. i was impressed mainly by the number of really wonderful conversations occuring all around me, dealing with many quality of life issues, the merits of mega-churches, the validity of nietzsche's philosophy, the psycho-spiritual effects of the recent bleak weather, and the eternal debate over the greatest rock band of all time.

this social surveillance reminded me that i need these deep interactions with other people nearly as much as i need sweet smelling air, lemonade in the summer, and an annual mountain trek...oh, and also really good pizza. this is probably why i e-enjoy e-participating in this e-community with many of you. but man, i really need the real thing too, you know?

i hope i can get together with some remnant of my college roommates next weekend. actually, i hope jon quits his job to show his commitment to stay connected with all of us. and i hope we make plans to get together again, not too long from now. i hope that kara never gets sick of talking with me for hours and hours on end about the past, present and future of music, faith, politics, movies, and slowly, little by little, football.

i am so shirking my work duties right now. if you're reading this, i hope to hear from you. my well-being depends on it...

my new profile picture...

2006-01-02T14:53:00.000-06:00

i'm not having an identity crisis, nor am i trying to reinvent myself a la al gore. i just never had the picture digitized before, and i think it is the best representation of my relationship with God. (God would be the tree...)

also, i have not written much lately due to the holidays, and due to the fact that i got a sweet new analog blog with my barnes and noble gift certificate for graduation. i like to sit at the coffee house and physically write sometimes.

did i mention that kara and i got our master's degrees a couple weeks ago? that was pretty cool...cool to be done anyway.

this is not a very deep post, but there has been a lot going on in my life, and i think i need to triage before i start writing about it all.

cory

goodbye leo

2005-12-20T08:15:00.000-06:00

on friday night, my good tv friend, leo mcgarry, passed away. i have known and respected him since my introduction to the greatest show on television, 3 years ago. he battled alcoholism, and addiction to pain killers. he battled back from a near-fatal heart attack to be invited to be congressman matt santos's vice-presidential candidate in the upcoming election. was it the campaign that did him in? we will never know...

but here's the thing: leo mcgarry was never real. he was played by an actor, who did unfortunately die last week, but he only existed in the imagination of aaron sorkin and the millions of americans who faithfully tuned in each week. now, i realize that this is my 2nd tv related post in a row, and i do believe that tv is largely responsible for the demise western society, but in leo, and the entire cast of the west wing, i find hope.

i began watching the series for the entertainment value. i mean, c'mon, martin sheen in a weekly drama series? that in itself is awesome. but then i read (well, perused) jon stewart's "america" textbook...which i now use in my class...ok, no i don't...but there was a line in there that said something to the effect of "everything that happens in the west wing is total f$%#$% bull%$#%."

so that got me thinking...could we ever have a presidential adminstration like the bartlett administration? an administration characterized by idealism, guided by a sincere faith, willing to lead with unpopular but right decisions, viewing their role as servants of the people, but not agents of the will of the masses. they hire talented republicans to work on their staff because they know it will improve the quality of their leadership. they stay up all night to get the job done correctly. they challenge corruption and resist gravitating toward the handouts of special interests. basically, they represent the good governance, or as good as governance can be with fallible humans at the helm.

i know it's too good to be true. i know it's just television. but can't we dream? can't we aspire to be better than we are? american politics has become an imaginary domain. a place where nothing happens. imaginary people making imaginary decisions for the sake of spin and image and reelection. who will stand up and lead us to become better than we are? will anyone desiring reelection ever dare to be truthful with us, even painfully truthful?

someone, please tell me to drive my car less, or even to dispose of my suv, or to demand with my dollars more responsible forms of transportation. someone, please insist that i turn down my thermostat, recycle or reuse everything that i am physically able to, and stop going to the damn mall. someone, please show us how to serve one another and look out for one another's interest, not merely our own. someone, please raise taxes on the mega-rich to feed the mega-poor, just a little? someone, please sit down at the negotiating table with hostile nations and create real and lasting plans for peace. create, protect, support more national forests and parks. provide a plan for fair and affordable health care.,.a plan that both rewards those who take care of themselves and helps those in need. fund ailing school adequately, instead of giving up on them. educate, rehabilitate, and provide a hopeful future for those who have fallen into lives of crime. create a strategy that will truly decrease the number of abortions in America, not just outlaw the right to have one.

so goodbye leo. thanks for the leadership and inspiration, even if you don't really exist.

the wonder years

2005-12-16T08:25:00.000-06:00

i don't cry. i haven't cried in a long, long time. i may have even adapted an overdeveloped sense of humor in some strange darwinian twist to compensate. i crack jokes under my breath at funerals (which reminds me of a song...). i am not proud of this trait. this is really more of a confession than anything else.

but there are days...and there are moments when i am overcome with emotion. i talk openly and often about these moments in the hopes that someone will someday say, "yeah, me too!" and then explain exactly why these moments hit me like they do.

like the wonder years. that darn show gets me every single time i watch it. i'm not kidding. i'm usually fine right up until grown-up kevin's voice over at the end, explaining what he learned from the bully in the hallway, or the loyalty of his friend paul, or his latest and most devastating break up with winnie...ahhh...winnie.

i used to go home for lunch just to catch the last 10 minutes of the show. was this some sort of sadistic act of self tear-jerkery? or maybe a hope for an emotional catharsis that i seem to be able to achieve no other way. i mean the blue screen ramblings of doogie howser m.d. do nothing to me. i actually find myself desiring to delete his hard drive. what gives?

but it's not just the wonder years. the other occasion that draws deeply from my emotional well is watching really meek, humble (and usually dorky) kids get picked on, pushed around, or worse yet, totally ignored as the rest of us go about our lives. i seem to have some sort of supernatural sympathy for these neglected souls, and again, i may even shed a tear. i'm actually quite thankful for this part of me, because there is clear and simple action that i can take. i can love those people. i can talk to those people. i can let them know that they are eternally valuable to God...and to me.

and then there's today. once every other blue moon, i have a day where everything brings me to emotional overflow. i can't explain it, but it's sort of refreshing. i mean, i sometimes wonder if my heart has gone the way of the grinch. but then days like today come along, and i feel deeply again. don't get me wrong, i don't think i could function like this every day, but it is nice to be reminded of my humanity from time to time.

well, i'd best be going now. i have to teach my students how to prevent another great depression.

until i drown

2005-12-13T14:37:00.000-06:00

apparently i have a lot on my mind. i also have an econ class to prepare that i am desperately trying to avoid...

so here's some more inspiration. this time from someone who clearly could kick teddy roosevelt's ass...ani difranco. im not a huge fan. i wouldn't likely go to a show. but sometimes she just says it so well... yes, i know, she's a heathen, a heretic. but i think i heard these lyrics preached from our pulpit the day our pastor left...

...I've had a lack of inhibition
I've had a loss of perspective
I've had a little bit to drink
And it's making me think
That I can jump ship and swim
That the ocean will hold me
That there's got to be more
Than this boat I'm in

They can call me crazy if I fail
All the chance that I need is one-in-a-million,
And they can call me brilliant if I succeed
Gravity is nothing to me
I'm moving at the speed of sound
I'm just gonna to get my feet wet until I drown

I teeter between tired
And really, really tired
I'm wiped and I'm wired
But I guess that's just as well
Cuz I've built my own empire
Out of car tires and chicken wire
And now I'm queen of my own compost heap
And I'm getting used to the smell

...I don't care if they eat me alive
I've got better things to do than survive
I've got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
And I've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

They can call me crazy if I fail
All the chance that I need is one-in-a-million
And they can call me brilliant if I succeed
Gravity is nothing to me
I'm moving at the speed of sound
I'm just gonna get my feet wet untill I drown

the big stick

2005-12-13T08:09:00.000-06:00

Here's some TR for your Tuesday morning. I think he's talking to me...

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

--Teddy Roosevelt

of course he's not safe

2005-12-12T09:27:00.000-06:00

i saw narnia this weekend. yes, i know the marketing was likely done by karl rove, the exploiter general of all things sacred...but i really loved the movie. i loved that it wasn't lord of the rings. i love that it was a children's movie (sort of). i love that the talking animals weren't cheesy...which is pretty hard to pull off. i loved that people know the book so well that they left the theatre saying, "that didn't look like edmund at all!"

speaking of edmund...man, did they nail the whole "sins of humanity" thing with his character, from my perspective anyway. i think i pretty much was that kid growing up (ok, i still sort of am). while i'm not a big turkish delight fan, i am greedy, selfish, indecisive...well, i think i'll stop there.

the funny thing is, when i really thought about which child i would like to resemble, it wasn't really peter so much as lucy. she was innocent, but boldly curious. she trusted people (well, half-people, half-deer), and really had very little doubt or criticism. she also had a genuine enthusiasm with which i can't seem to recall my last encounter...

speaking of doubt, i know it's very cool for all of us post-whatever christians to be riddled with doubt. i seem to doubt nearly every doctrine of the church at some time or another, but the doubt that i guess i have never really had is that deep fear that maybe this is all a sham...that nothing really matters...that nothing will really work out in the end.

i can't explain this phenomenon. i can't tell you it's because Jesus was neither a liar nor a lunatic, so he must have blah blah blah. i can't tell you that the fossil record clearly blah blah blah. i can't even tell you about a miraculous healing or a near-death experience. all i know is that the story is true. i don't even know what true is. but i know the story is true. and i also know that what motivates me to share the story is not that my church believes in the eternal concious torment of all "non-believers"; but rather the meaning and beauty and hope that fills life when you know the story, believe the story, and love the story.

do you think if we all just embraced the most conservative theology imaginable, everything would be just fine?

but i don't even have udders

2005-12-10T11:06:00.000-06:00

inspired by mary's latest, i tried this and i lauged out loud...which seems to me to be a pretty good indication that i should post. so here it is...

1. Cory Needs Our Help In Chiangmai
2. Cory needs milking
3. Cory needs to be fixed
4. Cory needs to be cleaned out.
5. Cory needs to gain weight
6. cory needs to sell some houses
7. Cory needs you more than you need him
8. Cory needs a lot of special attention. He is easily over stimulated and needs a calm environment.
9. Cory needs a stool for the harmonicas.
10. Cory needs to have his eyes examined ...he may need contacts.

the new negro has no fear

2005-12-06T14:24:00.000-06:00

i have been teaching the harlem renaissance for the last couple of days, and as with many of my course topics, it has led me to do some thinking. one of the themes that has emerged (we don't teach "stuff" anymore, btw, we instead present material and facilitate students understanding of emerging themes in the world around them...which, although i mock, is actually sort of cool) is that of unintended consequences. as my students were looking for connections in the major themes of the unit, they discovered that despite the best (or worst) intentions of societal agents in history, they often caused changes that were the exact opposite of what they desired.

let me share an example. it seems that jazz music and the whole jazz culture never really "took off" until prohibition was instituted in America. when alcohol was made illegal, the relatively small number of saloons dispersed around the country became thousands of illegal speakeasies where high society drank and caroused until the sun came up. and the prohibitionists? well, they uttered a collective, "damn."

or how about the kkk? they wanted to intimidated minority groups in the country in order to preserve their definition of old-fashioned american values. so a black family moving north during the great migration of WWI and the 20s has a choice to make: rural indiana or the south side of chicago? pittsburgh or harlem? so many, many families choose to live where they will not be seen or treated like a minority...where they don't have to live in fear of the next lynching. the result, a new type of african-american culture. one that writes beautifully and prolifically; one that makes music no one has heard before; one that is proud to be who they are.

one particular photo stands out in my mind. there is a parade going on in the streets of harlem, and in the background is a banner hanging from NAACP headquarters that reads, "a man was lynched yesterday." but in one of the cars, a man holds out a sign that reads, "the new negro has no fear."

i guess all this says to me that control is a funny thing. i mean, we strive to control our surrounding world, and other individuals in it, but at what price? and when are we going to realize that we really can't control anything or anyone that doesn't want to be controlled. i have been particularly bugged lately by people saying, "this happened, so God is good." well, what if it didn't happen? is God less good? if God doesn't answer my prayer the way i want it answered, did He fail? or did He fail me?

just some thoughts at the end of a long day...

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sagslike a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

--Langston Hughes

what's my problem?

2005-11-29T07:29:00.000-06:00

i was sitting in a school class on sunday and i could not shake this question. i mean, everyone has their quirks, issues, deficiencies and deformities, but what the heck is my problem with church? i have been dissatisfied with church for years now. i have been through all the cliches (there is no perfect church...be the change you want to see...its not about _____, its all about ______) about 3 times now, and still i can't figure it out.

a couple of options:

1. i am just a pain in the posterior
2. i need to focus on the positive
3. there really is a great church out there and i haven't found it yet
4. i must relocate to grand rapids to attend mars hill
5. if i would just "get right with God" everything will be OK (see aforementioned cliches)
6. i need to pray and work and work and pray to bring about the true biblical, Spirit-led transformation that my current local church body desperately needs, and refuse to give up or get cynical
7. i am totally kidding about the above link, well, sort of kidding...we do sort of have this cynical brotherhood thing...but that's for another blog.

i guess i'll stop numbering my sentences now. so, in the name of jon's blog, i would like your help...if any of you are still reading this after my hiatus...could you please anonymously or un-anonymously leave some feedback about what you love about your church...and if you don't go to church, then what you think an awesome church would look like? i would really appreciate it.

when you paddle a canoe, you always end up going toward whatever it is you are looking at. so if you are focusing on trying to avoid a big boulder that will mash your kevlar to smithereens, you will inevitably be swimming back to shore. btw, i saw the smithereens this summer in the park here in manitowoc. i believe that's what is called a death knell for their career. my point is, to avoid the boulder, you have to focus on the open water and your paddles will correct your course and keep you nice and dry.

i want some open water to focus on. tell me what you love about your church, or what you would love about a church, and maybe i can start paddling.

tell the truth

2005-11-10T09:13:00.000-06:00

i was reading somebodies blog yesterday, maybe jon's friend allan? i can't remember. anyway, he was sharing his ruminations and ramblings that he has compiled over the past year or so regarding living a good life. while i found most of the maxims interesting (and some even profound), two really stuck with me. I'd better quote him, so it get it right:

1. Unity at the expense of truth is worthless.

2. Since when did "at least I’m being honest" give license to say whatever we want regardless if its hurtful or rude. When did honesty become the highest stand-alone virtue?

now, i'm pretty sure i agree with both of these statements...but that is where the problem comes in. i'm also pretty sure they contradict each other. i think i have lived in this tension fairly well in the last several years. i mean, basically, i am "nice" to people i don't know very well, and "honest" with those i do.

but isn't that sort of backwards? i mean, why be bluntly honest with those that are the closest to mean. why doesn't my desire to encourage others increase as my intimacy with them increases. this is all very confusing.

but here's the kicker, i'm not really so concerned about myself on this one. its other people in my life that are causing me to ponder. i have a handful of people in my life that wear their blunt honesty like a badge...constantly reminding you that it is their moral duty and obligation to "shoot straight" with you at all times. one friend just blasted me the other day for blowing sunshine up his you-know-what. he says, "how are people ever going to learn if you don't tell them when they are wrong?" i see his point, but i just really have no desire to be an a-hole in the name of truth.

the scariest part is when people use the bible as justification for being downright mean. "i'm just preaching the word, bro." i think sometimes people just enjoy the rush they get from blasting someone else with their version of reality. i also think that we all can be so quick to share our "wonderful plan for your life" instead of journeying alongside our brothers and sisters as they allow Jesus to reveal His plan for their lives.

so what's more important...truth or unity? i guess i am just going to pray for and practice a way that lovingly promotes unity without compromising truth. or maybe i'll just hide in my room and wait for the rapture.

manitowoc delivers

2005-11-06T18:05:00.000-06:00

as kara and i were driving home from an enjoyable dinner at a local bar and grill, i repeated my weekly proclamation: "i don't think i can stay here much longer."

now, to place this in its proper context, i renounce my local citizenship so often, that kara is no longer alarmed, or maybe no longer even listening. it's not that manitowoc is a bad place to live. in fact, our neighborhood is quite charming, and we love our home. it's more a reaction to the fact that i can't find a coffee shop with an inspiring atmosphere. or that employees at local establishments look at me like i asked for directions to neptune when i order a beer that isn't sold in 30-packs. or that there is no real university off which i can mooch resources. i could go on.

the difference between friday's defection and the rest was that it came after a really great day. it was one of my favorite of my young teaching career. i had great rapport with kids, lots of them had "a-ha!" moments, i was able to both share and model my faith with colleagues, and i had china buffet for lunch for crying out loud. it was a good day! so why the dissatisfaction? why the wanderlust?

so how did God respond to my whining? he gave me the ideal saturday. i slept in a little, shared a long, fresh-baked breakfast with kara, raked leaves and built a fire in the backyard, walked downtown and listened to a guitar virtuouso at a local artist's showing, sample homebrewed beer and wine at a shop, visted the local art gallery (and saw an amazingly thought-provoking exhibit on faith and justice), watched the badger game with friends, had dinner at an international food fair, and went home and watched an episode of the west wing on dvd. i slept like a baby, buzzing with contentment, and a shade embarassed by my attitude.

now i just need to find a way to love my church. maybe you can pray for me on this one?

more miller

2005-11-02T10:22:00.000-06:00

Has anyone read the newest D.Miller book about not having a Dad? It's called something like "To Own a Dragon". I am out of things to read by him, but I have a Dad...you see my dilemma I'm sure. thoughts would be appreciated...

fat babies have no pride

2005-10-30T20:27:00.000-06:00

those of you who dabble in the hip-country scene will undoubtedly recognize this as a filler track from lyle lovett's "i love everybody" album, which really should have been called, "i love everybody, but i don't even like myself." but beyond the self-loathing and mezmerizing finger picking, i think mr. lovett may have been onto something with this pronouncement. fat babies, or ugly babies, or poor babies, etc. really don't enter this world with the same sense of privilege that baby gap and baby-with-nike's-that-he-will-outgrow-in-two-weeks do. they don't expect anything to be given to them without a great deal of work. i suspect they even doubt their mother's love, just a little.

i spent a lot of time around babies this weekend. my favorite of the bunch by far, however, was neither fat/ugly/poor, nor was he suckling a silver spoon. he was a happy, squirmy, sleepy little bundle of life with two lovingly level-headed parents who will do everything they can to ensure his full potential is unleashed on this world. i guess this will allow me to sleep well tonight...definitely better than his parents.

being a 28-year-old guy with a beautiful 27-year-old bride of 5+ years, all this time around babies is no small matter. we have been fortunate enough to have experienced almost no pressure so far from friends/family to create cory and kara minis, but it is obviously a frequent topic of conversation. (actually, jon has been pressuring us to reproduce since our wedding reception, but i'll just chalk that up to job security.) is our decision to delay childbearing thus far an act of selfish ambition? or perhaps fear? or laziness!?! i don't think so. i honestly think it was an issue of readiness. now any parents out there, please save your, "you're never really ready until it happens to you" rebuttals. i understand that i can't and won't understand what parenting is all about until we bring the squirmy little bundle home from the hospital. what i am talking about is a readiness to say, "my life is not my own." not even my redeemed life in Christ is just for me to enjoy. no, readiness is being able to say with some degree of confidence, "i will do whatever is required of me to make a place for a new life in the world."

what strikes me most about this idea, is that no matter if you are dobson devotee, an emerging, sojourning, don miller reader, or a hymn-loving mainliner, no matter what corner of christendom you find yourself in, this idea applies to you. it just isn't about me (which is a funny idea to post on a blog).

i have come to the firm conclusion that i don't like the sierra nevadas, the pacific ocean, or the dakota grasslands because they are beautiful. no, i love them because they are great and i am small. and every towering peak, every whitecap, every endless, waving prairie reminds me of that fact again and again, until they are satisfied that i understand them, and then again until i accept their truth. to GOD, i imagine i look much like a baby...probably a baby gap. swaddled in image and accomplishments and pride, but underneath it all, utterly helpless and undeserving.

the safety dance

2005-10-17T15:13:00.000-05:00

i just heard this announcement over the p.a. here at school: "there will be a safe meeting tomorrow morning at 7 am for anyone interested in attending." who exactly was the audience for that message? who says, "oh man, i've had enough of those meetings with the gunfire and knife juggling and fast driving...i need a safe meeting for a change." what the crap?

that reminded me of the explosion (intentional irony) of "safety fairs" in recent years. what kind of kid says, "mommy, lets go learn 'bout some safety!" you probably even had teachers, etc. that preached, "safety first." i just want to go on record and say that i believe that to be a bunch of bullcrap. i don't mean that we should go around sticking paper clips in electrical outlets, but i'm pretty sure that GOD never meant for safety to ascend to the highest moral value in his universe of waterfalls, tornadoes, and grizzly bears. just a hunch.

i probably sound like john eldredge. he's ok. i'd rather sound like cs lewis.

low bar lights

2005-10-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

i can't explain why, but this is my favorite whiskeytown song ever. and i love whiskeytown. has anyone else noticed that ryan adams by himself is something of a pretentious little punk, but when he's with the band he is a genius? i mean, i have never done anything that he sings about in jacksonville skyline, but i feel like his ballad is my life story. maybe that's just my own myopic worldview.

maybe myopia would have been a better title for this blog. what the hell is a blog anyway?

on an unrelated note, don miller wrote something once about sports fans "attaching their ego" to their favorite team. i thought he was just being a nerd ripping on jocks until i thought about it a little. i'm not sure if i totally agree, but i realized that what i really love about a big badger win is not necessarily the win itself, but rather the following week of mad props received from the national media for my team. i guess maybe i think they are talking about me...except i couldn't have made the 10th string waterboy for the badgers, and i haven't even been to a game in years.

one more unrelated note, we have this sunday school class today and we were talking about temptation and this guy...a man's man...iraq vet and everything...starts trying to make a point about something theological. but instead of making his point and sounding smart, he just broke down and confessed a butt load of sin before the whole group. everyone was in shock, tears were flowing, and someone adeptly led us into prayer for the guy. i know that must have sucked for him and for his wife, but i couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable everyone got. even the leader just kind of fumbled and dismissed the class and told us to have a nice week. i'm not sure what i would have done as the leader, but i'm pretty sure we missed a golden opportunity to quit playing church and begin to enter into real community. i say this to my laptop now, but i wasn't man enough to follow his lead and publicly confess my sin...pretty much the same as his. i respect that guy so much after today. nothing he has done, including risking his life in this war, compares with a move like that. we talk a lot about revival as christians...well, that's where it starts...weeping over our sin clinging to Christ as our only hope.

good night and have a nice week.

green grass over there

2005-10-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

i'm having one of those days. you know the kind i'm talking about...everything sucks. the funny part is, i always seem to have these days following really cool experiences. for instance, last weekend i got together with world famous blogger, jon, and his trusty sidekick adam at a surprisingly happening beer and burger joint in fond du lac. while we engaged in witty banter and foolish chatter, i was distracted by the desire to enjoy this sort of fellowship on a more regular basis. i mean, is that too much to ask? i have not found the quality of relationships that i was blessed with in madison anywhere since. how can that be? other that future chief justice krueger, most of us are pretty average folks. there was just...something...

the other cool experience that left me green was visiting another high school on friday. a bunch of teachers from my school went to check out a school that had successfully implemented the international baccalaureate program, hoping to glean some wisdom from their staff and students. it was an awesome school with an awesome staff...and i guess it left me a little jealous. now, honestly, if i was a teacher there, and i came to lincoln for a day, i would likely feel the same way. i just need to learn to appreciate what i have, continue to grow, and find contentment in any circumstance.

the funny thing is, our pastor preached about temptation today, and the whole time all i could think about was this whole "grass is greener" thing. i mean, how better to understand temptation than the misguided belief that you are missing out on something better. it doesn't matter if it's greed, lust, slander, or hatred...for me, it all seems to come back to the belief that i am missing out. and if i would only ________, then i would be fulfilled, happy, relevant.

i gotta go to bed now. i hope i don't miss out on anything while i'm sleeping.

why do people do this?

2005-10-09T13:44:00.000-05:00

i can't explain what has compelled me to starting recording my thoughts. my journaling track record has been horrid over the last 10 years, and to try again in such a public way? we'll see how it goes. all i know is that when i got together with jon and adam this weekend, jon talked about his blog, and when i checked it out along with others linked to it, something really struck a chord in me.

the first question i need to deal with is, "who is my audience?" again, i am unsure. so until i figure it out, i'll just write for me with the understanding that others may peruse from time to time.

as for a commitment to writing, i can't honestly make one. my goal is to maybe write once a week or so, depending on the week. i also want to keep each entry short, as that will allow me to write without feeling pressure...and i am waaaay more likely to read someone elses that is relatively short, i guess.

most of my words will emerge from daily crises of faith in life. i mean crises in the classical sense...turning points...moments of departure from habit and assumption when the spirit can do what it does. politics, theology, music, movies, marriage...all are fair game. oh, and church...i think and talk and complain and weep over (metaphorically speaking, i haven't actually cried in years...which will likely be a topic at some point) the church constantly, so i can't imagine not writing about it.

maybe something someone reads will resonate and cause them to respond in some way. and maybe i can enter into some sort of weird e-community that brings joy and growth to my life and the lives of others involved. sometimes, i feel pretty isolated in this beautiful and peaceful city. like-minded individuals have been hard to come by so far. maybe this will help.

well, i think i'll go update my profile now. hopefully, i'll write again soon.